Last week I was taping the second episode of Z Rock (a new sitcom I am in which premieres September 7 on IFC which is about a rock band called “Z02” that is trying to make it) and the theme of this episode was “second chances”. The show is totally creative and funny. It is mainly ad-libbed and we are all having a great time improvising.

Anyhow, the producers asked me in one scene to explain to the boys (three adorable musicians named Paulie Z, David Z and Joey Cassata) why second chances are so rare in life and should be jumped at. I made up several “second chance” scenarios for them to pick from and as they made me laugh, I thought I’d pass them on to you.

Made up “Second Chance” Story #1:

One night when I was hosting the Tonight Show Charo was a guest and she came on to play two songs on her classic flamenco guitar. Charo messed up the first song so badly and was so upset that when she came off stage she punched a wall and broke her flamenco finger. But, trooper that she is, Charo went out to do her second song with the broken finger and, guess what? A miracle happened! She played the second song worse which made her so mad that she shouted out, “Cuchie-cuchie.” America adored the “Cuchie-cuchie” Charo so much that she went on to be the most frequently recurring guest star on The Love Boat!!

Made up “Second Chance” Story #2:

Katie Couric had a dream all of her life and that dream was to be a Serious Television Journalist and host the national evening news. Instead, Katie ended up on the Today Show where her career skyrocketed, but she was never truly happier than when she finally got her big chance and was offered the job to host the CBS Evening News. A second chance! But, unfortunately, Katie screwed it up and is now leaving her dream job, but that’s not the point. The point is that Katie got her second chance!

I used to do a lot of jokes on being superstitious and here are a few of my favorites:

Never wear musk oil to the San Diego Zoo.

Never walk under a black cat.

Never sneeze into a fan.

And never see “Gone With the Wind” with a slave.

                       Here are some of my real superstitions:

Never put a hat on a bed – I don’t know why, but that is what my mother said.

Never put your purse on the floor – the money will leave you.

Don’t over verbalize how good things are going because God might just take it away from you.

Never say what great time you’re making during a car trip, save it for when you reach your destination.

Never go on a trip to China with Olivia Newton-John because you won’t see a check at the end.

What are some of your superstitions?

I have just spent the last few days with Cooper and Melissa and maybe I’m getting older, but each time we are together it gets better and better and better. Cooper is now at the age – 7- where he is really tough to beat at Tic Tac Toe, can smack a mean baseball and gets a lot of the same jokes that make me laugh (please note my maturity level). One of our favorite jokes this weekend was, “Do you know the weather report for Mexico City, Grandma?” “No, tell me the weather report for Mexico City, Coop.” “Chili tonight and Hot Tamale.”

Melissa has NEVER looked better, is so smart on subjects I know nothing about and reads everything. I think she actually likes having me as a mother…most of the time.

Being very superstitious I don’t want to say any more nice things about them because I am scared if I say too much more I will jinx this, the best thing in my life. I just want to end this by saying – if you’re listening, God - that Cooper is a rotten, little brat and Melissa is a JAP Princess. Did that satisfy you, God? Does that get me off the hook?

I am very superstitious and my next blog will be on superstitions.

It is spring in New York and it feels damn good.

The tulips are up all over town, the trees are sprouting leaves and flashers are wearing their floral raincoats.

Everyone is happy and the streets are crowded with pasty people hungry for fresh air, sunshine and leafy green vegetables.

Spring is nice in the city because the only people still putting on gloves want to murder you, so they are easier to spot and the spring thaw makes it so much easier to find their victims because you can smell them.

I’d love to say, in honor of spring, “Let’s dance around a Maypole,” but this is New York and even if there were Maypoles, they’d be stuck up somebody’s ass.

Our guide on the Great Walk to Beijing is a lovely, slim, Chinese girl who learned English from watching Brokeback Mountain and Gone with the Wind. 

“I no quit you,” and “Flankly my deal, I no give a damn,” are the two things she

can pronounce beautifully.
 

For no reason, I think you should know that I hate jazz.

If I want to hear people who are high on heroin making noise, I’ll stand under a bridge.

This year, as usual, on the first night of Passover I am having Seder at my house for a large group of both relatives and friends. We’ll gather at my table, as we do every year, to soak up the traditions and customs (and apple cake) of Passover.

My favorite part of the evening is the asking and answering of the four questions which is very traditional and informative, but that got me thinking about answers I’d like to give.

Q: Why tonight do we eat no bread, only matzo?

A: Because, you pig, you inherited your mother’s big, fat thighs and you should lay off the carbs for at least one day every year.

Q: Why do we eat bitter herbs?

A: To get rid of the lousy aftertaste of my matzo balls.

Q: Why do we dip parsley and bitter herbs into salt water?

A: Because parsley and bitter herbs taste like crap; besides Jews are dumb – we never heard of salsa?

Q: Why do we lie on pillows instead of sitting in chairs?

A: Because I got these pillows 20% off at Bed, Bath and Beyond and I’m going to use them

Never mind about the answers, here are some QUESTIONS I’d like to ask my guests, but never will.

1. Will Elliott Spitzer’s wife dump him?
2. Did Demi Moore get a lot of work done?
3. If I have a yeast infection, am I kosher?

And then a couple of questions my guests would probably love to ask, but don’t.

1. Why did I come here?
2. How much longer is this going to take? Law and Order is coming on.

All kidding aside, Happy Passover, everyone! And if you are NOT Jewish, try eating a macaroon – they are delicious!

On Tuesday I am flying to China to participate in “The Great Walk to Beijing 2008”. Olivia Newton-John, Cliff Richards and a whole host of celebrities from all over the world are walking more than 140 miles from the starting point at Mountain to Old Dragon’s Head and ending up in the city of Beijing.

This is being done to raise money for the Olivia Newton-John Cancer and Wellness Center in Sydney, Australia. This unique facility will incorporate physical and emotional therapies free to patients who are undergoing clinical care and to their families. The Center will also include the Australian arm of the Ludwig Institute for Cancer Research.

Please go to the Great Walk to Beijing 2008 website  to take a live look at our progress and to, most importantly, sponsor us in this amazing journey to help breast cancer patients become well and, eventually, rid the world of this terrible disease.

As some of you may know, I am going off to walk the Great Wall of China with Olivia Newton-John and I am starting to worry about what to pack. What does one wear of not wear while climbing that stupid, big wall? What sort of thing might I need or not need if the next Boxer Rebellion breaks out?

Here are some things I think I’ll leave at home:

High heels – out.

Dali Lama tee shirts – out.

Mini skirts – out (I don’t care what you think, there is always going to be some Chinese man standing a little too close to the Wall looking up).

Pets – out (I don’t want to be told at a dinner table, “We heard you like Yorkies, so dig in!”)

And here are some things I am planning to bring:

A knife and fork (I don’t relish the idea of spending a week eating with twigs).

American Fireworks (to show them how things are really done).

A box of Rigatoni (just to rub it in their faces that Marco Polo STOLE their culture. You know that there was a lot of, “I really lika you guys,” as spaghetti was going out the back door).

My well-worn copy of The Joy Luck Club (just for laughs).

A hazmat suit to be worn the entire time I’m in Beijing.

And a funny sign I can pin on Olivia Newton-John’s back that says, “Slightly older woman available for white slave trade who will sing while endlessly sewing “Made in USA” labels into clothes for Wal Mart.”

Olivia Newton-John (while waiting for Grease 12: The Polygrip Chronicles to be made) is walking the Great Wall of China for breast cancer (I think she’s against it, but the invitation wasn’t clear) and has invited celebrities to walk with her.

When I got my invitation I jumped at the chance as I thought we were walking the Great Mall of China. Only after I’d already signed up and it was too late did I realize there will not be a Gap or Piercing Pagoda anywhere in the area (obviously the ancient Chinese had no sense of fun or any middle aged Jewish women in their culture).

Now the Chinese government is making me fill out all kinds of stupid forms that are asking such question as: “Have you ever been in jail in China?” “Have you ever been deported from China?” “Do you have any diseases that you will potentially bring into China?” All of these questions are boring and dull. What they should be asking is:

“Do you like Chinese Chicken Salad better than Beef Lo Mein when you and your Jew friends go out to dinner on Christmas Day?”

“Do you think that Mickey Rooney was convincing as Mr. Yunioshi in Breakfast at Tiffany’s?” 

“When is the last time you wished a Chinese driver in a mini-van dead?”

“What is your feeling on dragons?”

“What is the longest you’ve ever grown your fingernails?”

“If you were given $100,000 would you have bound Melissa’s feet as a child, so that instead of hearing the pitter-patter of her baby feet, you would have heard “clip-clop, clip-clop” and had lots of bloody bandages to clean up?”

I hope that the Chinese government has a sense of humor (judging by Tiananmen Square however, I think perhaps not) or I may end up spending the rest of my life in a bamboo cage living on a diet of grubs and humiliation.

By the way, what is the Chinese character for “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I take it all back. I really LIKE short, hairless men who stink of sesame oil.”?

I am hitting the airwaves on QVC during "AM Style" on Saturday morning at 8:30am and then will be doing two two-hour shows on Sunday at 9:00am and 8:00pm and two more on Monday at 11:00am and 6:00pm.

Watch, shop and call in.

I'm back. My play, Joan Rivers: A Work in Progress by a Life in Progress, closed on Sunday which ended one of the best theatrical experiences I've ever had. During the entire 9 week run at the Geffen Playhouse in Los Angeles, we had full houses and standing ovations every night. Everyone in the cast and crew was exemplary.

I adored my time in L.A. I adored my little apartment. I adored living near Melissa and Cooper. I adored renewing old friendships and making new ones. I never thought I would spend my last day packing and crying.

How nice to have a life experience turn out the way you hoped it would and what is even nicer is to be at an age where you know how rarely this happens so you appreciate it fully, as I did!

My show at the Geffen is coming to an end and it is making me very, very, very sad as this has been an amazing experience. The play has gotten STANDING OVATIONS every single night which makes all of us in the cast so, so happy.

You have no idea how much it means to an actor at the end of his work to have the audience tell him that they enjoyed it! I am sure Laurence Olivier secretly went “Yippee!” when he took his bows for King Lear.                        

Okay, I have been having lunches with friends (who have come to see me in my play at the Geffen) that I haven’t seen in 25 years. You know what it is like when you meet old, old friends and you say, “Gee, we have to get together,” well, several of them decided to take me up on it - a nightmare.

What do you say to people you haven’t seen after all those years?

“So why do you think all five of your kids aren’t talking to you?”

“Okay, okay, for old time’s sake I’ll go for it. How much does a new prosthesis cost?”

“You really look great (for your age).”

“So who do we know who isn’t dead?”

“How nice you look. I remember that dress.”

“Do you like spending your golden years living in your car?”

“Of course you can take the saltines. I’ll have the waiter wrap them for you and maybe we can get a ‘to go’ cup for the creamers and you should take the candle because not only will it add ambiance to the car, it may also add a little warmth.”

I was privileged to have lunch with my dear, darling, adored friend, Nancy Reagan and our much loved and mutual friend, Betsy Bloomingdale.

How wonderful to be able to spend a few hours with such a piece of history.

Mrs. Reagan looked beautiful, was exquisitely groomed and impeccably dressed (black suit with a gold pin). We reminisced, laughed – and even cried a little – at the times we have shared.

Mrs. Reagan truly represents an era when we were proud of our government, when the world respected us, when charm and manners counted and the future was full of optimism. Long may she reign!