My new puppy Samantha has been sick with a cold and I’m very upset. The entire household is taking turns gently steaming her in the bathroom, hand-feeding her kibble and sitting with her non-stop. All other activities have ceased. If she’s smart, she’ll keep sneezing for a few years and have a great life!

My other dog Max, after the last two and half weeks of this, hates her even more than the day she showed up. He is purposely trying to push her out the doorway and leave her on my Filipino neighbor’s welcome mat.

My vet bills continue to be astronomical, and if this new dog dies, I’m going to be pissed!

SAD, SAD, SAD! George and I started together in Greenwich Village and it was wonderful to watch his career flourish over the years.

They just took a peek at George’s will and I am very proud and happy to say that he left his seven words you can never say on television to me! I’m adding one more to the list: Bush.

On Monday, I talked, talked, talked about him on Inside Edition, CBS This Morning and WABC Eyewitness News here in New York, and I also wrote a piece about him for the New York Post, which you can read here.

George personified the old, angry hippie intellectual. He lived totally on his own terms—on a houseboat in San Francisco!—and loved to think of himself as a voice of the people. I liked to tease George and say that the voice of the people doesn’t wear a $12,000 Rolex watch.

One interviewer asked me to place George on a list of great comedians of the second half of the 20th Century. Here’s what I said:

1) Lenny Bruce

2) Richard Pryor

3) Woody Allen

4) George Carlin

5) Chris Rock

6) Robin Williams

7) David Brenner

What do you all think?

Thank you, thank you, thank you for your support..

Thank you all so much for your comments. George Carlin’s death made one thing very clear: I’m right, and they’re wrong…so there!! I’m proud to say that both of the words I used on Loose Women were on George’s famous list of “seven dirty words you can never say on television.”

 Life with Sam is coming along wonderfully! She’s already teaching herself to use her wee-wee pads, and her teeth are getting longer and sharper by the minute. After spending some time playing with her the other day, my arms looked like I had taken part in an S&M session!

But....one little problem.  There’s no other way to say it: Max totally hates Samantha.

He now lies next to the elevator door, waiting for it to open so he can make his great escape. Life for him has been horrible ever since this new, black little creature entered the picture.

Everyone keeps telling us to be patient and that he will come around, but I think I know my Max best.

He will NEVER like Sam. Unless, of course, she is in a pot down the hall in my Filipino neighbor’s kitchen.

 In England you can't swear on TV before 9:00pm. Like it’s my fault I had just flown in to London and was still on New York time.

 The whole incident reminded me of my wedding night because I was also asked to leave in the middle of that, too.

After the commercial break, viewers saw my empty chair—half the Jews in England watching thought it was Passover. No one told me Loose Women was a reality show and that I'd be the first one voted off.

 It's funny, off-stage I hardly ever use profanity. My favorite four-letter word is “shop.” But I am STILL upset that they didn't give me my goodie bag, which I understand had colored condoms in it. And now ITV is saying that 48 viewers called in to complain…that I didn't also call him a “douche bag.”

 Yes I swore, and I'm so fucking sorry. I wrote to the ladies: “Dear Ladies of Loose Women. I am so sorry if I upset your show. Please accept my apologies. Love, Joan Rivers. P.S. I went back and looked at footage of Russell Crowe, and guess what? He's still an asshole!"

So I started my day with an appearance on an ITV chat show called Loose Women-very similar to the US show The View.   We talked about my upcoming theatrical performances in Edinburgh and London and of course about the Red Carpet.  When asked about interviewing Russell Crowe I told the ladies on the show exactly what I thought.

Here’s the link….you watch and tell me what you think.  Better yet-tell ITV exactly what you think.

uk.youtube.com/watch

Following that segment I was asked to leave the studio….or as the British press explains….I was “hauled off”, “kicked out”,  and “booted from” the studio.  And without my goody bag, nonetheless!

So what did I do?  I proceeded right over to the BBC and did The Graham Norton Show.   I adore Graham-we’ve worked together many times and I always have a great time when I visit his show.  AND what’s GREAT is that Graham’s show airs after 9pm so I can swear ALL I want.  So tune in Thursday and watch and hear every swear word I know….and then some!

And stay tuned to the blog.  I’m working on an appropriate apology letter to the ladies of Loose Women.  Of course I will share that with all of you.

In case you didn't know it, I am a voracious reader—mostly of histories and biographies as I feel a book’s job is to astonish its reader with the unexpected. (Un)fortunately, in our insane world, one no longer needs fiction to astonish!! 

For my birthday I received so many amazing and eclectic books as gifts from wonderful friends. Some of them were The Billionaire's Vinegar by Benjamin Wallace, which is about the world’s most expensive bottle of wine that turned out to be spoiled, and The Johnstown Flood, an early David McCullough book about a catastrophic dam collapse in Pennsylvania.

Oh, and I also received a copy of, and this is my personal favorite, the 83rd anniversary edition of Mein Kampf, with a very special introduction by Mel Gibson. 

You know I love to read!!

As I told Barbara Hoffman of the New York Post the other day, I adore reading.  At my country house, I always stack books in guest's rooms.  There is nothing worse than a guest who sits and stares at you. 

Here's are some of the books I've been reading recently.

Madame Chiang Kai-shek: China's Eternal First Lady

by Laura Tyson Li

Everyone's forgotten her, but boy, did she wield power. She was this great dragon lady. Her whole life was a power lunch! What a wild ride she had. And she stayed thin!

Beautiful Boy by David Sheff

It's every parent's worst nightmare. But it wasn't just another "My Kid's on Drugs" book. It's so real, so moving . . . Then you go and read the son's version of the same account, [Nic Sheff's] "Tweak." We don't know our children, now, do we?

The House in Good Taste     by Elsie de Wolfe

It cheers me up. It's so dated . . . but the rooms look beautiful. In her later years, she married a rich titled gay man, so her story gives me hope. She ended up living in a little house outside Versaille, with a husband who probably said, "Put up another tassel!"

Broadway Musicals: 101 Greatest Musicals of All Time   

by Ken Bloom and Frank Vlasnik

I live for Broadway. This is a wonderful reference book, with great bits of gossip and insight. To my delight, a lot of the shows are older than I am!

Here’s Today’s Schedule…

 5:00am Hair and Makeup 

9:00am On the air on QVC 

10:00am – 5:00pm Work on my material for my upcoming appearances on the British shows Loose Women (the across-the-pond equivalent of The View) and The Graham Norton Show. 

6:00pm Dinner with my sister (who only shows up when she wants to) 

9:00pm On the air (again) on QVC 

10:00pm Drive back home for two and a half hours 

         And I wonder why I’m always so tired!

I love going to the theater more than anybody, and will see anything as long as a friend is willing to come with me. (Over the years I’ve seen a lot...the lesbian production of Queen Lear, a Polish Hamlet and the Blue Man Group so early on they were barely even azure.)

 Last week I went to the theater twice, and twice I got very lucky. First was the Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater at the Brooklyn Academy of Music, which put on an evening of their best repertoires. It was so good that the New York Times reviewed it twice the previous week and both times gave the production raves.

Then on Thursday night I saw Passing Strange, which is up for seven Tony awards (including best musical) and has already taken home the NY Drama Critics’ Circle Award, Drama Desk Award and Obie Award…all for Best Musical. It is so modern and all of the show’s elements work together so well—the music, book, dance, lighting, story, acting—that the audience was up on its feet cheering by the final number.

Afterwards I went backstage (actually pushed my way) and met most of the cast, all of whom have been a part of the show since the beginning three years ago. It made for a perfect evening to see the musical form so fresh and new.

This is why I LOVE living in New York.
 

Ok, I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW that you shouldn’t go out and get another dog the minute an old dog dies. But my house was so silent, and everyone so miserable and depressed without our happy-go-lucky Lulu, that last Friday I went down and got another dog. I was going to get a rescue, but none of the three places that I called had what we needed: a small, docile female. These requirements were essential as Max, my rescue Pekingese, hates everybody. Even my veterinarian said it would be difficult to get him to adjust, so be careful whatever dog you bring in.

But, I found a little girl who is a Havanese—a breed I’ve never heard of. She’s 10 weeks old, teensy weensy, adorable, pitch black and we’ve named her Sam (short for Samantha). She’s already paper training herself and is a little sparkplug…totally happy.

The house—even though everywhere we look we still see Lulu and feel her presence—has taken on the new energy of our latest arrival.  

Max, unfortunately, is furious, as we knew he would be—totally ignoring Sam and refusing to be in the same room with her. I have spent the past 24 hours on the floor with him, feeding him dark meat turkey and whispering how much he means to me into his ear.

I think that it’s going to be a few rough weeks around the house, but we’ll all get through it. In a way, this is why I am lucky to have had just one child.

I’m back from Los Angeles where I had so much fun taping Celebrity Family Feud! The superstar Rivers family team consisted of me, my daughter Melissa, my nephew Andrew, my niece Caroline and my assistant Sabrina (whom we’ve now started calling “cuz” around the office).

By the way, I was wrong about the family that we’d be playing against. It wasn’t the Judds that we took on last Sunday. Instead we went head-to-head with the families of Mr. Las Vegas Wayne Newton, actor/rapper Ice-T, and actress/singer Raven-Symone.

                                                   
 
I’m sure you’re dying to know who won... Well, NBC won’t allow us to say until the show airs in July. You’ll just have to tune in and watch.

The best part of the whole day was how SERIOUSLY my grandson Cooper took the entire thing. He lived and breathed our family’s triumphs and misses.

It was a terrific experience!

I want to thank you all so much for the many kind emails and notes that I have been getting from you about Lulu’s death, and I’m sorry that I am unable to respond personally to each and every one. The outpouring of sympathy, condolences and good wishes means a GREAT deal. As every dog lover knows, it’s so sad to lose a loyal, devoted and wonderful friend.

Thank you very much, and it’s nice to know that Lulu is in your thoughts.

Unfortunately, our dear friend and beloved companion, Lulu, had to be put down early this morning. I’m sure, however, that she is now in a place where she can bark all she wants, lick all she likes, chew yellow tennis balls to her heart’s content, and feast on a never-ending bowl of delicious liver treats.

Lulu shared my bed and my heart for 12 wonderful years. The thing that I will treasure (and miss) the most is that she is the only dog I ever had who truly smiled.

I’m flying out to Los Angeles today to tape an episode of Celebrity Family Feud; Melissa and I will be playing against the Judd Family. It will absolutely kill me if my East-coast educated family loses to Wynonna, Naomi and their band of jolly moonshine slurpers!

The truth is I had a very difficult time trying to decide which four family members I wanted to have on the show with me. I had to take into consideration brains and wit, as well as whose DNA was least contaminated. We’ll see if I made the right choice.