The best part of Thanksgiving is delivering meals for one of my charities, God's Love We Deliver. This is the second year that I have taken my grandson Cooper with me and I think it hits home that one of the greatest joys in life is being able to give to others who might be in a bit of trouble at the moment.

Now, not that Cooper is spoiled or anything, but he does have so many games that FAO Schwarz buys from him. And not all are toys that he's asked for. For example, I insisted that he play with one toy that he did not want, but I thought would remind him of me - an osteoporosis action figure. Every time it tries to use a Kung-fu Grip on G.I. Joe, it snaps its wrist.

Here are a few things I learned today, about Thanksgiving...

My cooking always makes everyone sick so this year I decided to stuff my turkey with Maalox.

I had to ask my guests, "Who wants white meat? Who wants dark meat? Who wants feathers?"

Because of the recession, if you can't afford a bird, find yourself a pigeon and call it "turkey anorexia."

Never ask an old person to say grace before dinner. By the time they've finished, the food is stone cold.

Be careful you don't overcook your turkey or you'll end up with a miniature Donatella Versace. 

My Thanksgiving party this year was total a disaster--Kathy Bates showed up and carved the turkey with her mouth.

I have many things to be thankful for, and I don’t know about you but I can think of one thing you should be thankful for: That you are not coming to my house to eat.

Last Thanksgiving, three people got sick to their stomachs from my food, and they were just driving by. Maybe this is because I truly don’t know how to cook.

Last year I tried to save time so I made my turkey eat the stuffing before I killed it. But at least it was turkey! My Filipino neighbor severs God-knows-what. Through our shared wall I swear I heard her asking her guests, “Who wants white meat? Who wants a thigh? Who wants a paw?”

I wish everyone a happy and joyous Thanksgiving!

For those of you who are interested, the new puppy Samantha is not so new or even a puppy anymore. She has grown so much, the other day she was mistaken for Sheri Shepherd on the street.

Sam is almost totally housebroken, is learning that people food is better than dog food, and if you’re cute, you can get away with chewing up a Manolo Blahnik pump. 

She and Max have actually become friends and it makes me feel great to see them running around, wrestling and ruining all of my good rugs with their pee.

Last week, when I was on the CW11 Morning Show to promote my upcoming shows at the Cutting Room in New York City, celebrity chef Rocco DiSpirito and the host Sukanya Krishnan invited me to join them for Rocco’s cooking segment. I did even though I believe that if God had wanted me to cook, he would have made my hands out of aluminum. 

I’m such an awful cook, most of my recipes start with: Light a scented candle and refill the potpourri. Flies throw up in my soup. The other day, I saw a cockroach in my kitchen ordering take-out.

In fact, Melissa’s first words were, “Uch, this tastes like crap!” When she would misbehave, I wouldn’t send her to bed without dinner as punishment—I’d make her eat seconds.

Somehow, the meal we made came out delicious. And Rocco is simply adorable!

November 5, 2008 -- JOAN Rivers brought her schtick into the voting booth yesterday. The wrinkle-free funnywoman marched into a Park Avenue polling place, Christ Church, with a TV crew. "The voting machines were down, so we had to vote with paper ballots, but Joan still went into the booth for the sake of the cameras," our spy said. "Then, when she was filling out her paper ballot, she called out, 'How do you spell Bloomberg?'”

http://www.nypost.com/seven/11052008/gossip/pagesix/write_stuff_137011.htm

It’s all true!

What worries me is that they have spies in the polling stations. Where will this stop? I’m scared to go into public bathrooms and sex shops, or, even worse, I’m afraid I’m going to get caught buying retail.

 It’s Election Day and I’ve gone out to do my civic duty by voting…have you?

I don’t think my Chinese neighbor is going to the polls although he has been stocking up on Viagra all month so he’d have enough for "Erection Day."

When I got to the voting station I knew it would take forever when I saw Judy Garland was still waiting in line.  Paris Hilton was also on line in front of me. That little slut came out of the voting booth with her sweater on backwards.

I chose to go into a gay voting booth—the curtain was made of peach chiffon. To my surprise Senator Larry Craig was in the voting booth next to me. His foot slid under the divider between us.

Oddly enough, this morning I woke up undecided, but I’ve since made up my mind and I’m voting Sarah Palin off the continental U.S. And if the polls hold true, Barack Obama is going to be our next president. We’ll know he’s been elected when a puff of white smoke comes out of the chimney.