Even though all the hotels, clubs and casinos in Vegas are new, the hookers are still the same.  In fact, many of the same girls I used to see walking the boulevard 25 years ago are still here, except now they wear orthopedic shoes instead of stilettos.

One hooker I saw was so old, she had a tattoo on her breast that said, “George Washington Slept Here.” Another one was so old, a guy asked her, “Around the World for $100?” She looked at him and said, “How about $35 and I’ll get off in Cleveland.”

The showgirls, thank God, are still young, gorgeous and dumb! I saw one girl hanging around a high-roller at the black jack tables last night. When he said to the dealer, “Double down,” she took off her top.

Don’t forget, I’ll be back in Las Vegas at the Venetian Showroom from Thursday, September 3^rd through the 5^th! Come see me!!!

The first of my shows at the Venetian Showroom in Las Vegas was last night and I couldn’t be more thrilled to be back in town! I especially love the Venetian Hotel, where I’m performing. It’s gorgeous and it makes you feel like you’re really in Italy.  In fact, I walked by a roulette table last night and it pinched me on the behind.

It’s been nearly a decade since I played this town and boy have a lot of things changed! When I used to perform in Vegas, all of the shows starred married couples. You had Steve & Eydie, Sonny & Cher and my favorites, Siegfried & Roy.  One thing, though, has stayed the same—Vegas is the only place where you can see Cher, Bette Midler, Celine Dion and me, Joan Rivers, all in one night and all played by the same man.

Don’t forget, showgirls and cow boys, I’ll be at the Venetian Showroom tonight and tomorrow night and then September 3^rd through the 5^th!!!

Who knew there were so many rich people out there…and in a recession no less! Well, thank God there are because you’ll see more of them tonight on “How’d You Get So Rich?” at 10pm on TV Land Prime.

Tonight, I’ll meet the inventor of the five-chamber bubble blower  who is so rich his dog has a walk-in closet and a private chef. This pampered pooch also has a psychiatrist because at times, he gets stressed out. How stressed can you be if you’re able to lean over and lick your own genitals?

I’ll also drop in on a couple whose mansion has its own elevator and the wife’s diamond has its own zip code.  My kind of girl!

How'd they get so rich? Watch TV Land Prime at 10pm tonight and find out.

By now you must have heard that I have a new man in my life, and you can get to know more about him on tonight’s episode of “How’d You Get So Rich?” (10pm on TV Land)

My new beau is none other than Norman Zada, and he is truly adorable!!! Norm and I met while I was taping an episode of “How’d You Get So Rich?” He showed me his house, his cars and his sensitive side, and I was smitten.

Norm and I are the talk of the town and every website has covered our budding romance. Even Perez Hilton had something nice to say about me on his site!

So, tune in to “How’d You Get So Rich?” tonight at 10pm on TV Land, and then let me know what you think of my darling Norm!

I wasn’t the only fabulous celebrity at the Laurie Beechman Theater last Wednesday night!! (Although I was the only one performing.) Look who else dropped by to see my act! Pop-music heartthrob Lance Bass  and reality-TV star Cole from Bravo’s hit series, NYC Prep.

One audience member saw me with these two handsome young men and asked me if I was cougar. “No,” I said, “I'm so old, I’m considered a Sabertooth Tiger!”

If you want to come see me at the Laurie Beechman Theater, click here to buy tickets. New shows are on sale now!!!

Another episode of my new show, “How’d You Get So Rich?” is on tonight at 10pm on TV Land Prime.  Now, maybe you missed last week’s episode. I don’t want to hear excuses why this happened, but you’re in luck because you can watch last week’s episode by clicking here.

This week, I drop in on two millionaires who got rich the new-fashioned way: Through hard work and determination! First, I meet Mr. Mardi Gras who went from penniless to parade-float-king.  Wait till you see how he lives--you’re in for a major shock! Then, I’m off to the Versace Mansion, which is a gorgeous over-the-top palace after my own heart.  And, it’s owned by a guy who dropped out of school!

Tune in to TV Land Prime tonight at 10pm and watch “How’d You Get So Rich?”

Do you know know who’s really loaded but you won’t find him on my new show, “How’d You Get So Rich?” tomorrow night at 10pm on TV Land? Spongebob Squarepants, that’s who!  And he’s not even human. Okay, so neither is Bruce Jenner, but that’s another story.

Spongebob’s face is everywhere—on t-shirts, beach blankets, lunch boxes...I swear, the other day I saw his face on a tampon. So, how’d he get so rich? Good marketing!

It’s all about marketing. Madonna can’t sing a note, but she’s the biggest star in the world.  Nicole Richie? All she does is vomit up her lunch, and she’s sitting on a bucket full of money (and vomit). What about Jon and Kate Plus Eight? She’s fertile and filthy rich. And now she’ll be richer since she got rid of him. She’ll be Kate plus Eight…Million.

So market, market, market, my darlings. If Spongebob can get rich, so can you! I think I’ll try to sell another gay sponge cartoon…I wonder how Tom Cruise looks in board shorts and knee socks.

Tune in tomorrow night at 10pm for another episode of “How’d You Get So Rich?” on TV Land!!!

Hello everyone! I wanted to let you know that I will be a guest on Larry King Live tonight at 9pm on CNN, along with Kathy Griffin.  Make sure you tune in and hear the real gossip from backstage at the roast!

My Comedy Central Roast is on tonight, Sunday, August 9^th at 10:00pm. You better watch because it is truly a no-holds-barred, pull-no-punches night of comedy.

IMPORTANT: I just found out that the roast runs an extra 15 minutes long, so if you’re planning on recording it on your Tivo, DVR or VCR, make sure you extend the recording time to one hour and 45 minutes!! You don’t want to miss a second of the filth!

Over this past week, I’ve been on A LOT of talk shows to chat about all of my new projects, one of which is my Comedy Central Roast (airing this Sunday, August 9^th at 10pm).  And the question I was asked every time is: You’ve never been roasted? Truly, what could any comedian say about me that I haven’t already said myself? That I have no sex appeal? Please, my gynecologist examines me over the phone. That I’m old? My first vibrator had a hand crank.

Brad Garrett, Tom Arnold, Greg Giraldo, Gilbert Gottfried, Whitney Cummings, Carl Reiner, Jeffrey Ross, Robin Quivers and Mario Cantone came out (well, Mario came out a long time ago)  to take their worst shots at me. They called me every disgusting name in the book and I thought, “I can’t believe how well they know me.”

Before the Roast, I made it a point to say to Kathy Griffin, the Roast Mistress and my very good friend, “It’s all silly, it’s nonsense so say anything you want, it’s business.” But, I swear I will never talk to that bitch again after the filthy names she called me. It’s over!

Don’t forget to watch my Comedy Central Roast this Sunday at 10pm!

My show, “How’d You Get So Rich?” premieres tonight on TV Land at 10pm and I could not be more thrilled. While I was interviewing all these millionaires, I realized that they got rich by inventing something incredible.  My first thought was “maybe they’ll die and leave their money to me!” My second thought was, “Why didn’t I think of that?”

I met a lazy college student whose mother cut holes in his blanket and sewed sleeves on it so he could reach the remote. This became the Slanket and he became a millionaire!  Why didn’t I think of that?

Here are my ideas so I can be Rich, Rich, Rich, like them:

Rent-a-Family. You’re a famous actor and you realize you need a wife and kids for special events, photo ops, and to quiet the neighbors who wonder why guys keep coming to your house at night. My rental families would be delivered quickly and come in all colors. Choose the “Angelina Jolie Package" and and for an extra five bucks you get a gorgeous husband and 200 kids from all over the world.

I have a great idea for women on first dates with rich, ugly men: The Lipstick Laxative. Before dinner, put on a little gloss and give him a smooch.  When he runs to the John, you run though his wallet.

This last one is my favorite…The Talking Vibrator. It says things like, “You’re the best,” and, “Ooh baby, you’re good looking all over!” The best part is afterwards you don’t have to make it coffee and tell it how fabulous it was.

If any of these ideas work, maybe I’ll see you at my door asking me, “Joan, how’d you get so rich?”

While I was shooting my new show, “How’d You Get So Rich,” which premieres on Wednesday, August 5^th at 10pm on TV Land Prime, I began wondering: Are rich people crazier than normal people? And the answer is: Yes…but it’s a different kind of crazy.

Howard Hughes was filthy rich, to match his fingernails.

Phil Spector? He was out of his mind, and not just because of the whole “girl with the gun in her mouth” thing. Have you seen those rugs he wears on his head?  The man’s worth millions and he buys eight-dollar wigs from the Eva Gabor Collection. He should’ve gone to jail for that alone.

Michael Jackson, the poor thing. Was there anyone crazier? Who would’ve thought that in the Jackson Family, LaToya would turn out to be the stable one?   By the way, did anyone notice that his casket turned from dark bronze to light silver during the memorial service?

So to all my new rich friends, be very, very careful. Don’t spend all of your money because you never know when you’ll go crazy and need the cash for a lovely, 28-day stay at your local loony bin.

And don't forget to watch, "How'd You Get So Rich?" Wednesdays at 10pm on TV Land Prime.

I wanted to let you know that I’m hitting the air on a lot of different talk shows this week as we lead up to the premiere of my new show, “How’d You Get So Rich?” (August 5^th at 10pm on TV Land Prime) 

 and my Comedy Central Roast (Sunday, August 9^th at 10pm).

Here’s where you can tune in:

Monday, August 3rd: Live with Regis & Kelly (Check local listings for channel and times)

Tuesday, August 4th: The CBS Early Show, The Wendy Williams Show (Check local listings for channel and times), and Late Night with Jimmy Fallon (on NBC)

Wednesday, August 5th: Good Day New York (Fox 5 in New York)

Don’t forget to watch!!